Language

The language we use every day can be highly problematic. Some words have highly negative and hurtful connotations, and many of those words we are discouraged from using, or perhaps we use them in order to protest. Sometimes, I favor the use of these words. For example, like many of my peers, I feel comfortable in reclaiming the term "queer" as an adjective to describe non-(conservatively described)-traditional sexuality (and "gender queer" for the same with regard to gender). "Queer" is still often used as an insult, in which case it's certainly not appropriate or acceptable. But it's being reclaimed.

However, there are two words that I've recently noticed too many of my friends and peers using. These two words are ones that I've used incredibly frequently in the past. However, though a lot of hard work, I've been eliminating them both from my vocabulary.

It's not easy. I slip up. But it's gotta happen. Otherwise, the door is open for discriminatory language of all times.

These two words are "retarded" and "lame."

The word "retarded," as far as I know, means slowed or delayed. I'm mostly used to seeing it in a musical context (ritard/ando). But when it's used to describe a person who is developmentally delayed or challenged, it takes on an extremely negative meaning, much in the same way that the word "gay" still (unfortunately) can.

Argue all you want that the word "retarded" is medical, or that it's not meant in a bad way. That's all I heard it used as these days. "Oh man, that sucks! That's so retarded!" Or "Ugh, I'm such a retard/'tard." Maybe it would bother me less if people actually DID use it appropriately, instead of as an insult or slur. I've only seen it used as the latter lately.

It never occurred to me that "lame" was offensive until I began frequenting Shakesville. Even then, I think it's the most frequently uttered mistake word in the comments section (I've slipped, and someone today did, too). But once it was explained to me, which took about a second, it made perfect sense. It probably already makes sense if you think about it, even without an explanation.

"Lame" is ableist language. Ableism is one of those weird disciminations, one that no one seems to notice unless 1) they experience it and are perceptive, or 2) they're made aware of it while studying other forms of discriminations, or 3) something else, since categories are flawed. But it's real, as weird as it sounds (weird if, again, you've never thought about it). It's when people are discriminated against because they have some sort of illness or disability or SOMETHING that makes it difficult sometimes/all the time to do things that are expected of what are commonly thought of as "normal people."

There's an intersection and crosswalk near work that's ableist (or the designers are). There isn't enough time to cross the 4 lanes of traffice and two islands during the walk signal. I'm not kidding; I'm able to walk/run just fine, and I have to start crossing before the walk signal and practically run across in order to be halfway across the final lane before the light IN that lane turns green.

Can you imagine what it would be like if I were in a wheelchair? Or on crutches? Or if I had an injury that made it nearly impossible to walk quickly? It would take 2-3 walk signals to get across.

I'm not lame in the sense that my limbs are in fine working order (for now). But I have a chronic illness (in remission right now, yay!). It's been disabling in the past. And that's what the word is referring to: not "normal"-abled people. So when you say something is "lame" when you mean, say, "lousy," you're essentially saying that people who are not "normal"-abled are lousy.

"But Stephanie! I'm just so used to these words! And you know me; I'm a good person who doesn't discriminate against people with mental physical disability. You know I don't mean those words in a bad way against them, right?"

You don't have to use those words anymore; it'll just take a conscious effort to stop. And if you just can't think of words to replace those ones, you're just being lazy and not very creative.

"But what if I mess up?"

I mess up all the time. But that doesn't mean that I give up and I have to keep using this language. It just means I have to try harder. For example, I used "lame" much more frequently than I did "retarded," so it was harder to stop using. So, if I find myself beginning to say it, I just change it to "lousy." It's easy; since they have the same first letter, I've got time to quickly change words (employed very much at Zeldathon, by the way).

Here's the thing: I can't force anyone to stop using these words. But I will ask that you stop using them in conversation with me.

Final notes:
- I put "normal" in quotation marks when talking about disability because normal is subjectively defined. Additionally, someone who is currently "normal" might not be tomorrow. And depending on the activity in question, different people might be able or disabled.
- I don't HATE anyone, by the way, for using these words. You guys are my friends. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty; I'm trying to decrease discriminatory language. Don't think I'm angry with anyone.

Dear assholes

I'd appreciate it very much if I could live my life in peace. That means that when I'm walking home from work, I'd like to just be able to walk home from work.

So when you feel the strange, unexplained need to shout cat-calls at me? I will flip you off. That's as polite as I'm going to get. Because I'm trying to walk home. It's none of your business. You have my permission to go fuck yourself. ENJOY.

(This letter to assholes is brought to you by the dickwad who shouted, "Hey maamMY!" from what I assume is a friend's car today while I was minding my own fucking business.)

Stomach D:

My stomach is feeling off today, and I don't know why. On Wednesday at the gym, I nearly puked, but I don't think that's related because I went to the gym Friday and Saturday and ran yesterday, and I was fine.

But right now, I'm feeling all icky and barfy.

Schedule for the rest of the day:

Feed lots of cells (shit, have to put my medium in the water bath to warm it up)
Get PCR results when the run has ended
Figure out with my supervisor what to do about the STUPID spot test (probably will end up making new reagents and buffers)

If I am not feeling better by about 3, I'm going to have to reschedule the gym for tomorrow.

Today in Frustrating Experiments

This is the sixth time I've tried to do this spot test. First, the cross-linker didn't work. The second time, the cross-linker STILL didn't work, but we didn't realize that was the problem. Then I tried using the oven. Didn't work. Then I tried using the oven, but at a lower temperature, and I also didn't dilute my samples.

Worked.

But when I tried it again with the dilutions? Didn't work.

Today, I tried another set of dilutions, so we'd have high concentrations of samples.

DIDN'T #@*&$%Q#ing WORK.

Dear people who think that careers in research are cool:

In bio research (as well as chem research), sometimes you can follow a previously tested protocol perfectly and not get results. Sometimes, you get better results depending on NOTHING in particular. Sometimes, it makes you angry.

If you don't like having nothing to show for very hard work, bio research isn't for you!

Sincerely,

Me.

A strange situation

Have you ever been really good at something, but you will do whatever you can not to do it?

For me, it's cleaning. I'm great at it. You'd have to be, growing up with my mom (who'd have to be good at it, too, growing up with my grandmother). I annoy roommates by asking them to clean the bathroom after they've just cleaned it. I told my roommate, Kevin, earlier this week when we were planning a massive apartment cleaning, that if he wanted to do a general cleaning of the place, I would do all of the anal/nit-picky parts. He ended up doing a very thorough cleaning ... but there's still plenty for nit-picky me to do (my list involves reorganizing the bathroom cabinet and dusting the heaters).

My room looks like a tornado stopped by ... for a month or so. My mom, when she visits, keeps asking, "How can you live in this room?!" I don't have an answer.

Do I like living in filth? Hell no. I cringe when I wake up to find that I slept next to a bag of tortilla chips (yes, this happens more frequently than I would like to admit). I won't sit in my arm chair because there are Loki-feathers covering it (the plate from when I had Graham crackers last week doesn't make it any more inviting). I have several pairs of shoes, a trash bag, and my college degree sitting on the floor.

According to my brother's girlfriend, and completely unprompted by my mention of a similar habit, my brother also is responsible for littering the bedroom floor with, of all things, string cheese wrappers (I can see four from where I'm sitting on my bed). So, I'm guessing something might be hereditary, yes?

Anyway, I'm GOOD at cleaning. But I'm even better at giving my neurotic, anal, nit-picky, cleanly self a heart attack.

I mean, besides my habit of bringing food/drink into my bedroom and leaving the remains, I guess it's not that bad. It's mostly clothes, receipts, books, shoes. But all together, I can understand why my mom hates visiting me.

And now, back to my current task: completely reorganizing my clothing drawers (I have to, for the first time ever, carve out a lot of room--half a drawer--for work-out clothes). See, this is why I don't clean; I go crazy over which pairs of underwear go in the "period," "not gross enough for period, but not nice enough that I'd strip for someone if that's what I had under my jeans," "really cute, and in great enough shape that I wouldn't mind showing someone," and "ew, thong" groups. NOT JOKING.

(For any cute, single, women-liking men out there between the ages of 21 and 28 who have jobs and do not live with their parents, if you're reading this, I tend to keep common spaces clean. Also, the underwear I'd wear on dates is the stuff from the "really cute" or "ew, thong" groups. Just saying.)

A girl beat OoT!

This past weekend, I flew down to Miami for the second annual Zeldathon. I finally got to meet and spend time two close friends I had made from last year's Zeldathon, which was incredibly awesome. I also made some new friends.

I decided to make the trip mostly to see people, although I also knew I could beat one of the games far more quickly than it had been done last year. Ocarina of Time had taken 24 hours; I kept going to sleep or going to class, expecting to see the next game when I got back, but finding the guys in the Forest or Shadow Temples, or still trying to defeat Ganondorf. Ocarina of Time was the game most responsible for the 72-hour marathon turning into a 104-hour one.

I did the game in under 10 hours, shorter than my practice time. Somehow, I managed to go quickly even as I fudged bosses and spent a half hour trying to get a dungeon item (in my defense, the problem was with the controller; the game wasn't designed to be played on a GameCube). Because of our timing with the first Zelda game, as well as A Link to the Past, I had to play late at night, so everyone pretty much missed the second half of the game (I finished at about 5:40 am).

I wasn't the only woman in the radio station. The guys had various female friends who were visiting; my friend Kami was there to help feed us. But I was the only woman who was actually lined up to play, and I think I may have been the only woman who did end up playing (someone correct me if that's not true).

Twice, I brought up issues that some of the guys really didn't like. First, I suggested that the best way to improve the role of women in the Zelda series, and to connect with female gamers, would be to have a normal Zelda game, except that Link, the protagonist, is female. No changes to weapons or abilities. No gender-switching of any other characters. No added romantic subplots.

The guys, a few in particular, reacted not just with disinterest, but with active disdain. I would lose male gamers, they said. Link is already a very anonymous, general character, and his male gender was arbitrary, they argued (except that if his gender didn't matter, he would be she sometimes). They accused me of trying to change the fundamentals of the greatest gaming series ever.

Later, I commented on the white-washing of the game series. I pointed out that all of the humanoid characters were white, except those who are evil in some way (for example, Ganondorf has practically greenish brown skin). I was then informed that, well, the Japanese just hate foreigners! They hate non-Japanese! They're really xenophobic, you know. It's a different kind of racism than the US, which is why I probably don't understand it. And besides, I was nit-picking! There were other races in the game (non humanoid). And it's not as if I was going to single-handedly change Japanese culture. It didn't seem to matter that if the Japanese were xenophobic, all of their games would star characters who looked Japanese, not Caucasian.

There was plenty of inappropriate, immature behavior among participants and visiting friends, including when one person took a small plushy of what looked like a naked PowderPuff Girl, held it up to the webcam, and sang about boobies while moving around the plush ones obscenely. The use of the words "retarded" and "lame" was rampant, among 'thoners, friends, and viewers. Several times, I had to tell off people for either joking about or making casual comments about rape. More times, I had to call out (male) viewers for making inappropriate sexual or suggestive comments in the chat, either in general, towards me/other women on the cam, or towards other viewers.

I was often known as "the girl" when I was on cam. I was nicknamed "Sleeping Beauty" while I was taking a nap. The answer to "Who did Ocarina of Time?" was frequently "A GIRL!"

It's not that I felt unwelcome. Spending time with my friends, even while sleep-deprived beyond my wildlest dreams, was awesome, and I didn't once feel as if anyone thought I shouldn't be there. I did feel welcome. But there were constant reminders that I was a woman, and there were several attempts to bully me into silence.

One viewer in particular made a rape joke, and I called him out on it immediately, telling him that we had a zero tolerance policy for rape jokes. He went through the classic defenses: he was just kidding, I was over-reacting, everyone hated him, no one cared if he said it, etc. I stood firm. If he wanted to continue making those comments, he could leave. I didn't feel safe enough in my environment to tell this asshole that I had been sexually assaulted, just as many of the children we were raising money to help had been assaulted.

My friend Pablo has expressed a desire to have a more mature, more professional event next time. Some people might argue that the goofy, immature atmosphere is what attracts our viewers. Really? I thought our viewers came to cheer us on while we played Zelda games. I didn't realize that they came to see someone strip to his (falling-off) boxers, girls kissing for donations, childish and rude language/conversations, and so on. If we can't be fun and interesting without turning into nasty assholes, then we have problems.

In all, the weekend was interesting, feminism-wise. While I've never been fooled into believing that the gaming industry was woman (or LGBT or POC) friendly, I had hoped that there would be some more maturity among the players and friends in the radio station. And while the internet itself is not the gaming industry, for the marathon, it had some pretty strong connections. Even without those connections, people feel comfortable, through the anonimity of the internet, to voice racist, sexist, and heterosexist views, harass others, or just be plain nasty.

Zeldathon '09

Here's hoping you all tune in to Zeldathon '09! In short, Zeldathon (a Zelda marathon) consists of a bunch of gamers playing through all seven current console titles in the Legend of Zelda video game series. In a row. Broadcast online.

The event will be broadcast on Zeldathon.com (through UStream; register for free to chat) beginning on Friday, August 14th at 6 pm until every single game is completed. While individual players might stop to eat, sleep, hit up the restrooms, and hopefully shower, the games won't stop.

And it's not pointless. We will be raising money for the National Children's Advocacy Center, which provides services to victims/survivors of child abuse, and also offers training and programming. Last year, the Zeldathon team raised almost $1500 for Child's Play; this year, we hope to surpass that amount. We'll begin collecting donations when the event starts, and we won't stop until the end of the event. Last year, we raised more than our $1000 goal that way.

For more (and more detailed) information about the event and the participants, check out Zeldathon.com.

To get reminders about the event this weekend, or to spread the word, search for us on Facebook and invite yourself to our Facebook event.

To learn more about the NCAC, check out nationalCAC.org.

To donate, please check out Zeldathon.com during the event. There will be a donation widget, ChipIn.

About donations: If you donate, your money goes straight to the NCAC's PayPal account, which they've kindly set up for this event. Zeldathon members don't handle any of the donations personally, so none of your money will get "lost" in transit. Additionally, 100% of the donations go to the NCAC. While it would be supercool if we were getting paid to do this ... we are not.

About the games: The Legend of Zelda is a video game series from Nintendo that was originally released in 1986 with the NES game of the same name. Since then, Nintendo has released approximately 13 more games for various consoles. Due to technological and time constraints, we will be playing the 7 major console games: The Legend of Zelda (NES), The Adventure of Link (NES), A Link to the Past (SNES), Ocarina of Time (N64), Majora's Mask (N64), The Wind Waker (GC), and Twilight Princess (Wii). The games star the young adventurer Link, who typically must rescue the land of Hyrule and its Princess Zelda from the schemes of the evil Ganon (although it should be known that the details vary widely, game to game).

To my friends and acquaintances, I will personally be flying down to Miami, where the event is being held, on Friday evening. Sometime on Saturday, I will be kicking some serious ass on Ocarina of Time. I hope to get it done in less than 10 hours, which is my current time. I won't be staying the entire time, though; I will be leaving early Sunday afternoon so I can, you know, go to work on Monday.